the universe has a plan for me
and i’m going to be okay
and i am not going to force anything anymore
because no matter what happens
no matter who or what rejects me
no matter how many times i may fail
or lose people or lose things
i will be okay in the end
and i will meet him
he is out there and the universe is sending him to me
Personal: Just needed to get this off my chest!
You make me sick to my stomach. You make me want to curl up in a corner and cry my fucking eyes out. You make me want to yell at everyone who does one little thing to annoy me. You make me want to scream.
I do not like you. Please get over yourself. I am so sorry that I liked you a fucking year ago and had the guts to tell you a few months after that. I am sorry that I was even attracted to you. You’re THE most feminine straight guy I have ever met in my life. You’re in love with the girls from Fifth Harmony and know all there is to know about One Direction and Keeping Up With The Kardashians. You have really small hands. I think they’re smaller than mine. You’re always annoyed at something or someone. There’s always something to complain about with you. You’re always the right one. You never apologize. You always cancel when we have plans. You don’t even have the decency to apologize when you don’t show up. You never apologize. You always have an excuse. You laugh in my face when I get rejected from things. You even ask me nosily to see if I got an internship, so you can laugh in my face just in case I didn’t. You make up excuses as to why I succeed… “She’s not a fair professor anyways…” Sound familiar? “Oh, I wasn’t a Chemistry major at the time. That makes sense now… (or else I would have gotten that award too)” You have me sit right next to your “band” mate (in the small ass a cappella group you have with your honors program friends), and make plans to sing and recruit other people right in front of me, both of you knowing that I sing and have sung with all of you before, blatantly ignoring me and laughing over me. I curled my hair today because it was a mess because I had braided it. I was so happy with it, and you have to say, “Oh my gosh. Your hair is SO big.” You refuse to sing with me. You say “Ew” at me sometimes out of nowhere. You call me SO awkward and weird. You laugh meanly that I am taller than you, when clearly you’ve got at least an inch on me, just to make me feel awkward about my height. I’m 5’8. You’re the one who should be embarrassed about being short. I’m not good enough to be your backup plan. You would never do or say anything nice to me. You don’t wait for me after class. You don’t save me a seat. You laugh in my face. You ignore me. You treat me like shit. You ostracize me from all your friends. You make sure to point out every time you’re interested in another girl, even though I honestly don’t care. You’re such a dick because you think I still like you, and it’s absolutely ridiculous at this point. You’re the meanest person I have ever met. Why would I ever like you?
I want to get a boyfriend as soon as possible just so I can prove to you that I can do and will do much better than you. I want to prove to you that I DON’T like you. I want to show you the manly boyfriend I’ll have. He’ll be able to beat you up because you’re little, shrimpy, and hairless. His hands will be twice the size of yours. His voice will sound deep and strong, like a straight guy’s voice should. He’ll be kind to me. He’ll compliment me. He’ll be reliable, strong, confident, loving, genuine, and most of all, appreciative of me. He’ll never take me for granted. I want him to crush you. I want him to smack you back into your senses. How dare you treat me like shit? I deserve so much better than you, and I will not stand for this any longer. You use every opportunity you have to put me down and be mean to me. I’m absolutely sick of it. You deserve to suffer. You get everything you want. You don’t study and take notes, and you get a 4.0. You get every internship you apply for. You charm every person into thinking you’re some magical being. Fuck you. I’m not letting you get away with hurting me. I will get the last laugh. I will laugh my “annoying dolphin” laugh right in your face, proud and clear.
Not even yours in your dreams,
"Mahbz" (Stop calling me that. My brother calls me that.)
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I have to realize that and channel that into how I handle failures and successes. I need to genuinely like myself if I want to be truly successful, strong, and independent.
I think I might as well take a psychology class because I analyze everything in my life so much. I firmly believe that if I fully and completely understand something I do, subconsciously or consciously, I can control it. Right now, I was just thinking- why do I gravitate towards such shitty people? It’s because I think I’m a shitty person. I don’t like myself, and I think I deserve to be treated in a shitty way. I let shitty people affect me, and I don’t stand up for myself. It gets so bad until I start to notice it myself.
In example, as a freshman, I let my floor mates walk all over me. I let them make fun of me. I let them call me vulnerable and neurotic. I let them ignore me and laugh in my face. Not once did I stand up for myself. Why? I was too scared on some level, but on the other end of the spectrum, I thought I deserved it. I let myself believe that my roommate was right in saying that I was just different. She said she had never met anyone like me before and that she and everyone else got annoyed of me. She told me to find new friends… a month before the end of my freshman year.
I ended up being crushed as a sophomore with no friends and my housemates both being attached at the hip because of MUN, MSA, and their political science/international relations majors.
As a sophomore, I met this guy who I thought was perfect. I literally clung onto him for happiness fall quarter. At first, he was kind to me and genuinely interested. He texted me every single day and would heartily laugh at all my jokes. He made it seem like he thought I was the most wonderful person he’d ever met. Yet, after I started showing interest, he gradually started taking me for granted more and more, leading me on, making plans and canceling or not showing up, never apologizing, and only being nice to me when it was convenient. He used me to buoy his own crippling self esteem, and I admired him with my blurred goggles of infatuation. Now, I look back and feel disgust when I think of him. He still sits next to me in half of my classes, and I just feel irritated. He still refuses to apologize for all the shitty, inconsiderate things he does and says and uses my kindness to boost himself up. He jokes around with me, acting like we’re best friends, but never cares to see how I’m doing or if I want to hang out. He is literally such a dick to me, and I’m slowly but surely unlatching myself from him completely.
Without my goggles of infatuation on, I see that he’s just this wimpy, feminine, immature, insecure, bitter, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, narrow-minded, judgmental, shallow, pessimistic boy. There’s nothing nice about him, and the only reason I still think of him is because it’s out of habit. I see him every day, and I just can’t comprehend how someone can be so terribly inconsiderate. He’s not that likable, especially considering the fact that the only people who really like him are the ones who barely know him. It makes me sad that I had to latch onto someone so terribly mean last year, the year I was most vulnerable and alone. I’ve grown stronger because of it, and after some reflection, I am grateful for the experiences I had with him. Everyone deals with shitty people. I just had to deal with him when I felt the shittiest about myself.
The truth is, I don’t particularly gravitate towards shitty people. They’re everywhere. We all encounter them in life. I just allow them to treat me like shit because I feel shitty about myself. We teach people how to treat us. Though I’m not great at standing up for myself, I can still choose to not be affected by the shit. We all meet douche-bags in life who make us feel small. We just have to choose to not let them affect us.
Life isn’t about trying to please people, especially if they’re shitty and never going to be pleased in the first place. You can’t please a shitty person. The only person you should ever want to please is yourself.
So sure, I have flaws, I have insecurities, and I have demons, but above all else, I have self-acceptance and self-worth. I am worthy and deserving of respect because I am a respectful, caring, genuine, mature, kind, patient, loving person. If someone doesn’t treat me with respect, then he’s a shitty person who needs to be flushed out my life.
Shit happens to everyone. You choose whether or not to flush it of your life.